The Texas Chainsaw Massacre
After the trailer is shown, we see Cinema Snob sitting in his chair. CS: Boy, was this a grisly little film. I must ask the viewing audience, what was the purpose of this film, to be scary, to be shocking, to disturb the ever-loving crap out of you? (chuckles) Sorry, not buying it, especially for a movie called... Poster is shown. CS (VO): ..."The Texas Chainsaw Massacre". CS: Surely it must have had a bigger purpose than that, and if its purpose was to be a down-home tale, of the dramas of youth in the 1970s, then it failed. Montage of the movie is shown. CS (VO): Of course, if its only goal was to be one of the best horror films ever made, then it certainly achieved that goal, but who wouldn't want to make something like that? CS: Doesn't every director want to make movies like "Mr. Smith goes to Washington", or "Ordinary People"? (chuckles) Surely no-one actually sets out to make movies like... Posters are shown of the films he mentions. CS (VO): ..."Texas Chainsaw Massacre, or "I Spit on Your Grave", or "Friday the 13th", or "''(the) ''Hooker with a Heart of Gold". CS: You make call this a successful horror film, but I call it a failed attempt at making a drama. (Chuckles) Welcome to another year of The Cinema Snob, I told you I was gonna spotlight some more popular flicks, lets watch "The Texas Chainsaw Massacre". Narrator (John Larroquette): The film in which you are about to see is an account of the tragedy which befell a group of five youths... CS: I do not ever remember hearing about this story, 8 years before I was born. Narrator: ...in particular, Sally Hardesty, and her invalid brother, Franklin. CS (VO): "Invalid"? That's a horrible name to call someone, even if he does die. Narrator: They could not have expected, nor would they have wished to see of much of the mad and macabre as they were to see that day. CS: Um, 'scuse me, it's pronounced "muh-ka-bree". Narrator: For them, an idyllic summer afternoon drive became a nightmare. CS: And that was just because of the high gas prices. (strikes a pose) Ooh. Narrator: The events of that day were to lead to one of the most bizarre crimes in the annals of American history: The Texas Chainsaw Massacre. CS (VO): (as Narrator) ...previously referred to as "Head Cheese". CS: No, seriously. The original title for the movie... was "Head Cheese", not that it would have mattered anyway, I still wouldn't have recommended the movie; the only way that I would recommend this movie... was if it were called "The Godfather". CS (VO): Also, was that John Larroquette providing the narration? How dare he take this job before he became famous, he was Dan Fielding, goddamit! CS: I certainly hope he learned his lesson, and stayed far away from that Bay-ergized remake. (speaks into his hand phone) He did what?! He notices that the film is set on August 18, 1973. CS (VO): Wait, 1973? Didn't they see "Texas Chainsaw 3D"? Clearly, this is supposed to be taking in the late 80s, early 90s. Camera flash on a dead body. CS (VO): What's going on here? Someone's snapping still shots of faces of death in a dark theatre, that's distracting. Maybe it would look okay if they had some proper lighting. A mutilated corpse is shown. CS (VO): Ah, much better. (shudders) Phew, this is my least favorite Michelangelo statue, no wonder he switched to marble. But who am I to question art? The opening credits are shown, with an eerie red background. Snob notices Gunnar Hansen's credit. CS (VO): Hey, Gunnar Hansen is in this? Isn't he the guy who played Leatherface in "Texas Chainsaw Massacre"? As you can see, the movie takes place on the sun, it's sort of like Texas, except you can't execute the handicapped on the sun. A dead armadillo is shown. CS (VO): I see catering for the film crew has arrived; save me the tail, boys! A wheelchair-bound man named Franklin is shown taking a piss in a can. CS (VO): Or maybe we should just wait until John Belushi gets done taking a leak in someone's coffee can. A semi passes by, sending Franklin tumbling down the hill, screaming all the way. Sally (Marylin Burns): Franklin! A scene from Mac and Me is shown, where Eric the wheelchair-bound protagonist is shown plummeting into a lake, where he is then spotted by Mac the Alien. The end credits then roll. CS: Well, that movie wasn't nearly as frightening as I thought it would be, in fact, it was kind of hilarious, almost as hilarious as me. (chuckles) That's not how the movie ends; we haven't even gotten to the astrology course yet. Pam (Teri McMinn): (reading an astrology book) The condition of retrogradation is contrary or inharmonious to the regular direction of actual movement in the zodiac, and is, in that respect, evil. Hint: When malefic planets are in retrograde, and Saturn's malefic, okay, their malefus is increased. CS: Yes, but what about when the left star is 2 octaves east of the Earth's Venus, thus creating conflict in the sun's collective of the Lion and the Taurus. Damn right I pulled that out of my ass. CS (VO): A group of friends go on a drive through Texas, to see if their grandfather's grave has been desecrated, and if not, they're gonna piss on it themselves. Sally: My granddaddy's buried here, can we find out if anything happened to him? Man 1: What's your granddaddy's name? Man 2: Honey, that big heavy feller standing with the flashlight in his hand, that's the sheriff, you go tell him your granddaddy's buried in there. CS (VO): (As Man 2) Ah, make sure you stay away from the Pet Semetary. (normal) Look at this guy (the sheriff), give him 5 minutes and he'll start eating a cheeseburger. Of course, all of this is near a slaughterhouse, so things are gonna start stinking a little more than Franklin here's diaper. Franklin (Paul A. Partain): I mean, they'd start squealin' and freakin' out an' everything, and then they'd have to come out an' bash 'em 2 or 3 times, and then sometimes it wouldn't kill 'em. I mean, they would scatter 'em sometimes before they were even dead. CS: Hey, that's my material for when I go out on a first date, and guess what it leads to! Franklin imitates an air gun specialized in killing cattle. CS (VO): The gang picks up a hitchhiker, but I think they should be safe; he looks nothing like Rutger Hauer. Franklin: Hey man, did you go into that slaughter room or whatever they call it? The place where they shoot the cattle in the head with that big air-gun thing. Hitchhiker (Edwin Neal): Oh, that, that, that gun's no good. But the sledge? See, that was better, they died better that way. CS: Hmm, not the best material in the world, but it is the highlight of the Blue Collar Comedy Tour. CS (VO): Also, wanna know what headcheese is? Hitchhiker: They take the head, and they boil it, except for the tongue, and they scrape all the flesh away from the bone. They eat almost everything, they don't throw nothin' away. CS: Does it really matter what the fuck it's made out of? I'm sure there's a guy on the internet who will try it. CS (VO): Well, at least he doesn't have a-- oh, shit, he's got a knife. The hitchhiker takes out a switchblade and slices his palm with it, horrifying everyone. Pam: What are you doing to yourself?! CS: Awkward, yes, but I just cast the lead in my sitcom "Welcome Back, Cutter". CS (VO): Fuck, Josh Gad is scared shitless. Might I add that this is the un-sexiest episode of Bangbus that I've ever seen. After taking Franklin's picture, thus stealing his soul, the creepy hitchhiker is beginning to overstay his welcome. The hitchhiker lights the picture on fire, horrifying everyone. CS: Now that may seem weird, but they didn't have a simple "delete" button to get rid of pictures back then. CS (VO): I guess this is the third strike, so crack-head James Duvall here gets thrown out of the van. Pam reads more of the astrology book. CS (VO): (as Pam) Hmm, this book is predicting that someone is gonna put their meat hooks on me. Kinky. CS: 20 minutes in, and not one Shakespeare reference. Just saying. Notices the sign that says "Barbecue Coca Cola". CS (VO): And yes, Barbecue Coca Cola is a very underrated flavor. Jerry (Allan Danziger): Would you fill 'er up, please? Gas Station Owner: My tank's empty. Transport won't be here until late this afternoon. CS (VO): (as Jerry) No gas? You mean we drove all the way out here to the Gulf for nothing? (normal) The group wants to check out an old family home, but the old man doesn't think much of their idea. Gas Station Owner: You boys don't wanna go mess around an old house. Those things is dangerous, you're bound to get hurt. CS: Yeah, Marlon Wayans could be in there, shooting a really shitty comedy. Franklin fondles the hitchhiker's switchblade. CS (VO): Don't worry, Franklin, I'm starting to miss the hitchhiker, too. Franklin: It takes something, though, just to do that to yourself like he did. CS: Yeah, it does take something: it takes college. CS (VO): Also, what are you eating?! Franklin: You think that guy's just trying to scare us by blowing up my picture like that? CS: Uh, no, he was just trying to foreshadow; you should thank him later. Franklin rolls up to frame with a hot dog half-hanging out of his mouth. CS (VO): Ugh! Now he looks like Babe Ruth if the Babe had a dick hanging out of his mouth! Or is that the hitchhiker's droppings? (as Franklin) I was hungry, guys, I had to eat somethin'!" (normal) It's weird seeing these young people actually act like real people. I'm so used to modern horror movies where they act like the biggest pieces of scum on the planet, so either modern screenwriters don't know how to write people, or we really are the biggest pieces of scum on the planet. Either way, I'm sticking with that most modern screenwriters don't know how to write people. Franklin struggles to get up a ramp. CS (VO): Hey, don't help him! If we don't let him do this on his own, he'll never know how to properly be a slasher movie victim. Franklin sees lots of bizzare things around the house, including a bundle of feathered clothes and a wishbone mobile. CS (VO): Oh, shit, he's stumbled upon the Blair Witch. Someone's gonna wheel him into a corner. Franklin gazes up at the wishbone mobile. Franklin: Sally? CS (VO): Oh, well that there is nothing; that just means you have to make out with a chicken. Kirk and Pam run down a hill where there should be a lake. CS (VO): A couple of them head off to the lake, which, as you can see, has been sucked up by Texas, but maybe this other house has a bathtub or something. If anything, they've got free cups, and don't be turned off if you hear the sound of an outdoor generator; that just means that someone's home. CS: (worried) I hope they don't go in that house. I do not want something awful to happen in "The Texas Chainsaw Massacre". A tooth falls from the doorframe. CS (VO): It's ok; the house is just having one of those recurring dreams where its teeth are falling out. Kirk opens the door. CS (VO): Oh boy, I hope this shot is converted into 3D someday, wouldn't that be amazing? Kirk (William Vail): (knocking on the door) Hello? We hear what sounds like pig noises offscreen. Leatherface (Gunner Hansen): (pig noises) "Hryuyuyu-Hryuyu". Kirk: Hey, pal! CS (VO): (shudders) Elmer Fudd is in there, raping Porky Pig? But you know, I'd want to see that with my own eyes, too. Kirk walks towards the door, only to trip into the doorway, where Leatherface, continuing to make pig noises, emerges wearing a horrific mask of human skin stitched together, and wielding a sledgehammer, driving it directly into Kirk's head, killing him instantly. He then starts shaking Kirk's body violently. CS: Wait, "Texas Chainsaw Massacre"? Dead bodies? Oh. Oh, I get the title now, okay, okay, sorry, sorry, I thought this movie was going to be about a guy in Texas who liked to kill chainsaws. We see Pam walking up to the house, from a shot of her behind CS (VO): And, hey, this shot right here is all that any of the makers of the sequels or remakes ever took away from this film. Pam trips into a room scattered with bones and a large caged chicken. CS (VO): I used to be a delivery driver and quite honestly, I've seen messier houses than this. The large chicken is shown CS (VO): Of all the movies you'd expect Colonel Sanders to cameo in, you'd think it be this one, mainly for the living conditions. Scattered bones are shown, along with a bench fashioned with an entire human skeleton. CS (VO): At least she's found out what happened to the Klopeks. I heard Ed Gein* tried suing this movie for slander; something about bones making a way better table than a bench. * This joke works because Leatherface is based off of Ed Gein, a Wisconsin serial mass murderer who wore an entire costume of human skin. A cracked turtle shell is shown. CS (VO): Also, I think they got that turtle shell on loan from Ruggero Deodato. Leatherface swings open the door and chases a screaming Pam out of the house, catching her, and taking her back inside, laughing manaically. CS: The human in me is scared, but the critic in me does not approve. Leatherface places Pam onto a meat hook, where she hangs by her upper back. CS: Hey, now, if God didn't want us to hang from meat hooks, then he wouldn't have given us shoulder-blades. Leatherface activates a chainsaw and carves Kirk's corpse. CS: Obviously that needed way more gore, because didn't the sequels teach us that gorier is scarier? Jerry is shown talking with Franklin; he's about to leave to find the others. CS (VO): Oh, right, there's some people who haven't died horribly yet. Sally: Can I go, too? Jerry: I think you'd better stay here. CS (VO): Right, according to the prologue, you're the survivor, which, by the way, SPOILER ALERT! Jerry walks into the sunset. CS (VO): Ah, I see he's walking into one of the scenes from "Days of Heaven", although if this scene ends with something happening, we'll know it isn't the "Malick Masterpiece". Jerry peers through the screen. CS (VO): You know, if one of the members of "King Harvest" were knocking at my door, I'd probably let him in. Jerry opens a freezer door to find Pam, somehow still alive. She springs from the freezer, startling Jerry. Leatherface barges into the room screaming, and drives the sledgehammer into Jerry's brain, killing him. CS: Scary, yes, but she only reacted that way because she had a hot pocket up her ass. Leatherface stares out the window. CS: (VO) I sort of sympathize with Leatherface here. Sure, he's a serial killer who thinks the sledgehammer is better than the gun, but it is rather annoying to keep catching people breaking into your house. The full moon is shown. CS: (VO) Hm, odd, the sun has gone down, there is something weird going on here. Sally honks the truck horn; Franklin is situated in front of the truck. CS: God dammit, move, Franklin! Can't you take the fucking hint!? CS: (VO) I cannot believe that they are shooting in what looks to be night. This is Texas Chainsaw Massacre? It should be day for night because that's what I want to complain about.